Well this blog post has been a long time coming, I haven’t wanted to write because in all fairness I’m not sure how to put the last couple of months/weeks into words, other than best describing it as an absolute roller-coaster. Yes this whole journey has been a roller-coaster but these last 3 months have seen me hit the lowest of lows and still experience some awesome highs.
Partly I’ve avoided writing this for a variety of reasons; don’t want this to be all doom and gloom, find it hard to be honest when things are getting tough, I don’t know how to put it into words and admitting I’ve struggled is scary.
Well firstly no this isn’t always doom and gloom, however there are some massively doomy down moments that comes with a stage IV diagnosis, the imminent thoughts of death, the worries of if you will see or experience certain things again, the thought of losing people, the loneliness that it all brings, the plans you have to miss out on, the moments when u don’t feel like you, the changes your body goes through, the imminent worry everytime you feel a bit of pain or a niggle and the constant pain/discomfort you feel on a daily basis.
Being honest when things get tough has always been hard for me and at times I can be a very closed book. I worry not only about other perceptions but also my own sense of control about if I let negative feelings in how do you stop them and more importantly deal with them. Yes I believe positivity has got me a massive way but trust me it hasn’t all been pretty, easy, inspiring or life affirming.
The last few months for me (since Christmas) have probably been the most ardunous since starting treatment, you name it I’ve got it. I’ve worked my way through more antibiotics than the last 4 years in the space of 3 months. Topped off by a bout of shingles and a blood clot just for the icing on the cake. All surrounded by back pain that I thought was the end and still contend with on a weekly basis.
But aside from physically: mentally and emotionally I’ve felt drained!The thoughts of giving up have crept in and the fears have reentered every aspect of my life. I’ve cried at any little moment not really being able to put my finger on why, other than feeling sad. I’ve beaten myself up (internally) about everything. I’ve ran away and hid from the things I love. I’ve worried about the impact this is having on everyone around me.
So yes I do try and be positive but that isn’t without a whole lot of effort and when things deteriorate or become a struggle physically: mentally and emotionally this journey becomes a lot tougher.
Here’s to January and a little break while await scan results and hopefully a rest physically, mentally and emotionally from the chemotherapy. And bring on the results and the next steps.