Inevitable post!!

This is the post I knew I would have to write one day, but held out hope I never would have to. Well here it is the inevitable post… Prior to all the fun of an epic party and an awesome trip to Bali I had my 3 monthly CT scan, knowing that on the Monday of my return I would await the results.

I had a bad feeling about these ones due to a raised CEA level (yes I know not always a true test), things had been too smooth, I’d got to 30 and at some point my world was going to come crashing back down.

Well that happened on Monday 19th August, my whole world went spiralling out of control. As always, Dr Awesome and Kate had done what they could to stick to the plan we had made for when this day came.

In I went to hear, so it’s not great, liver tumours have spread considerably nearly doubling in size and the cheeky buggers had escaped and spread to my lung. Although tiny in size currently, it’s there and has travelled there somehow and is intent on destroying me from the inside, as if attacking my liver was no longer enough.

I knew what any major growth or spread meant, the options are/were running out fast. No more IV chemo as that is now no longer working, which has been the one thing offering a small amount of hope and some stability in my life in a weird and twisted way, but this is no longer an option.

So what are the options I asked between every silent tear and hiding behind my hoodie. Clinical trials and the notorious Lonsurf. Lonsurf is a tablet form of chemotherapy and although is a form of chemo, sounds like it’s out of the dinosaur 🦕 era and doesn’t appear to do much good (although some places you read excellent results). It really is the last roll of the dice 🎲.

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Clinical trials, well who knows what this may mean, it’s an absolute minefield to get your head around. For anyone who has tried to research trials online, not only do they come with an exhaustive list of deathly side effects, they also come with ridiculous names and more importantly they come with very little evidence of their success. Referral to the trial team done ✅  we shall now sit and wait (the one thing I definitely have learnt is you might as well get comfy.)

After what had a been a fantastic few weeks, something was always going to pop up to send you back down to earth and make you fear death is creeping up on you, hey that’s what Cancer does best anyway.

Time you may ask, I don’t know, but what I do know and everyone should remember is its precious, use it wisely.

5 comments

  1. Carrie cole · August 29

    Dont really know what to say except how inspirational you are an how annoyed at myself I am for moaning about the smallest of things in life thinking of u all xx

  2. Gillian · August 29

    Oh Sam. I read your blog with tears running down my cheek. It’s so unfair and you so do not deserve this – no-one does. You are one amazing lady, with one amazing team behind you. God knows how you continue to write your blog. That just shows what a strong person you are. I hope with all my heart the clinical trials team can come up with something. Never say never darling. Xx

  3. Kat · August 29

    Sam……ur incredable….u truly are a fight and a person im pleased to call a friend always here!! Much love xx

  4. Karen · August 29

    Hi Sam,
    I worked with your dad many years ago. I send very positive vibes to you. I had cancer at 20 but being a test dummy ,i was lucky and last November had my second battle this time lung cancer, I’ve had half left lung removed. Like you i live each day, getting the most out of each day. I have other lumps so have the shadow over me. I look for the rays of light, and if it rains i look for the rainbow. You do the same, quantity is not the same as quality!! Thinking of you, i know you are special, you know you are loved!!
    Karen x

  5. Sophie · August 29

    Sam
    You are an amazing individual and a true inspiration to us all. xxx