That’s me signing off…

Usual clinic appointment, well so I thought. Turns out my bilirubin has gone through the roof (154). Did I know this was coming? Well yeah, Last Saturday I woke up with yellow in my eyes, trying to ignore it I check with mum who confirms and advice we seek. Carry on and play football at the weekend enjoy it and know there is nothing that an extra day would achieve. I plough through and wake up Sunday like a little kid so excited to play football and wow we did not disappoint one of the most complete performances I have seen from us and one proud captain off home for a roast and prepare for Monday.

This brings me back to the clinic appointment. I enter thinking just bloods maybe defer a week but no with a bilirubin level that high its time to worry (high bilirubin =1 it’s 154). Sent off to ultrasound to see if they can answer the question, whether a stent can be put in to release the bilirubin due to a blockage or is it just my liver unable to cope with the toll it has taken over last 5.5 years.

Unfortunately, ultrasound is inconclusive and does not answer Dr Awesome questions so off home I go with an early CT booked. Sat in the CT room wondering if this will be my last but praying it’s just a blockage. CT completed with ease – pro at these now – nothing to hold these up. Now to the wait and the anxiety, surprisingly though I’m quite calm just eager to know. Maybe it’s because this really is all out of my hands. Thankfully to the great team around me 2 days later I get the results. Not what we wanted but not as bad as expected, I’ve heard that before. This time though neither is a good solution. There is no blockage, so a stent would be utterly pointless which means it’s the disease in my liver, causing my liver to be unable to dispose of the bilirubin.

On the positive images don’t look as terrible as expected there is some growth but not out of control not that this matters as with a bilirubin that high, treatment is totally off the cards so either way we are out of options. I know what this means the appointment I’ve been trying to avoid for 5.5 years is here and my time is running out very fast… If bilirubin stays high the outlook is dimmer, if my body can begin to process it it may buy me a little bit more time, but either way this is the end of the road and a matter of time before the inevitable. What I do know that is although this is shorter than I hoped my life would be, I’ve had a great one surrounded my love, fun, happiness, experiences and some incredible moments, 5.5 years ago I’d have snapped your hand off for this long, the odds were set against me, but I beat them and although being on treatment I’ve lived and loved wholeheartedly.

How do you process that news? What do you do next? What do you say? What do you do? These and 1000s questions run through my head and I guess that they are questions I need to answer in the upcoming days, but also consider Covid and the implications of that. If you don’t hear from me again through this blog, thank you for reading, supporting me, following and share this journey beside me. For now this is me signing off and saying goodbye.

Time to now live what life I have left with the people I love!!

To everyone out there we don’t know and can’t ever predict what life will deal us what I do know is every minute, hour, day and week is valuable, make the most of it. Tell people you love them and laugh (laugh lots) life isn’t meant to be too serious… Do those things you want to do, follow your dreams endlessly and love wholeheartedly. Enjoy the time on this planet you have don’t waste it.

29 comments

  1. Aaron · 18 Days Ago

    You are my wonder; always have been and always will be. Your words are so raw and honest. You are my SamSam and I cannot wait to give you the biggest cuddle ever and have our tea in bed together. I love you, always and forever.

    Your Rainbow Unicorn xxx

  2. Sue · 18 Days Ago

    Sam You are one awesome person there are no words
    The inspiration you share is infectious
    A real hero
    ❤️❤️❤️

  3. Linda · 18 Days Ago

    You are one amazing woman. We love you lots and if we can do anything to help just call. I apologise for being a rubbish godmother that couldn’t save a wand and make it go away. xxxxxx

  4. Gillian Fordham · 18 Days Ago

    Oh Sam! I have tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart reading this. As we’ve all said before, you are one remarkable strong lady. I’m in awe of your courage and that of your family and close ones. Sending you all the love and hope In the world xx

  5. Andy · 18 Days Ago

    Oh Sam, words fail me and are totally inadequate but please know that I hold you in my heart and hope and pray you can find just a bit more of the strength that has got you this far and kept you going. You are a truly lovely person and loved by so many people xxxx

  6. Paul · 18 Days Ago

    What can a Father say about the daughter who has brought him so much joy and shared such wonderful moments. That we will not have too long to make more.
    I have always wished that I could do something to help you from donating body parts to cuddling you and making feelings go away or just to bring that amazing smile back to your face.
    You are a true inspiration to all that you have touched. Will continue to be for the short time that you have on this earth. The world will be a lesser place for the loss of an angel 😇. My beautiful amazing daughter.

  7. Karen · 17 Days Ago

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️ xxx

  8. Sophie · 17 Days Ago

    I have never met you Sam but have followed your story through working with Aaron. There are no words at this bloody awful time apart from thank you for sharing your story. You have been so brave, open, honest, completely amazing and a genuine inspiration to us all. I hope you get to enjoy whatever time you have left & those of us that you leave behind truly will life our lives to the full in your honour xxxx

  9. Sallyann · 17 Days Ago

    Gutted for you Sam. You have lived the life of ten people in a short space of time and been on a wild ride. Fair play! and totally awesome! Lessons we should all take away. Much love sallyann x

  10. Egg · 17 Days Ago

    You are just the most beautiful soul. xxx

  11. Any · 17 Days Ago

    I don’t know you personally but have followed your journey every step of the way, words are not enough right now, but you are an absolute hero, so inspiring and incredibly strong. I have been in awe of your raw honesty and ability to tell your journey to so many. Sending all the love and strength to you and those around you. Xxx

  12. David · 17 Days Ago

    You are the best of us SamSam! ❤️️

  13. Pauline · 17 Days Ago

    I have followed your story from the beginning Sam and amazing isn’t enough to describe you. You are truly inspirational and I’m sure have helped many people on the same path. Sending lots of love

  14. Chrissy · 17 Days Ago

    This is Such a hard read, Sam you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met and been so lucky to work with 💗

  15. Gill konradt · 17 Days Ago

    Hi Samantha. I don’t know you. Well I feel I really know you. I have been following you since the day my late hubby Karl was diagnosed with bladder cancer. You are truly an inspiration to us. Your one amazing lady sending my love to you xxxx

  16. susan andrews · 17 Days Ago

    Gorgeous lady you are amazing with a great passion for life, your strength and courage is what’s made you the strong person you are and who’s loved by many. Keep that strength going my lovely, it’s not time yet! lots of love and BIG hugs xx

  17. Zoe kirby · 17 Days Ago

    I may not see you or be in touch but you are an inspiration, you are wonderful and it’s an honour to have spent time with you…
    Sending my love to you forever and always xx

  18. Eileen · 17 Days Ago

    Sam you are such amazing person I have known met through football with michela keep going love Eileen

  19. Jill · 17 Days Ago

    It’s been a privilege to read and follow your story, you are an amazing person.

  20. Karen Arnold · 17 Days Ago

    Although we have never met Sam, i worked with your Dad, i have messaged you before. I admire your strength and love of life, i have similar beliefs, especially since getting cancer for a second time in my life, this time in my left lung. I had 3/5of that lung removed and they watch a lump in right lung incase it starts growing again.
    Live life, leave a legacy of love and happy memories! Death is part of life, and we have that insight.
    Should you want to talk about how you can help your family cope with with living without you, just contact me.
    I worked with Cruse bereavement for 9 years, nursed members of my family in their last days, arranged their funerals, and now i have trained and have my diploma, to write and conduct funerals. I have lots of different knowledge in my brain regarding what options people have in ensuring that those left behind have a place to recognize who they have lost.

    Some people may think it is morbid, negative for me to write this, but i have seen that conversation helps. Speak to Dad to verify who i am. If i can help you continue being you for as long as possible just ask, i will be there.

  21. Sarah · 17 Days Ago

    Enjoy what you can Sam and stay safe. You are inspirational and thank you for everything you’ve done for our department
    Sarah ( Reception) xxx

  22. RUTH LUCY NALL · 17 Days Ago

    Love you mate. 🙏😘💜 Xxxxxxxx

  23. Cheryl Peters · 17 Days Ago

    Sam you have been so brave and strong through all of this xx
    I remember so well how Presley said wow mummy what a lovely lady miss us xx
    Thankyou so, so much for all your support and time you gave our Presley he truly loved his time spent with you.
    Thank you for being you Sam, we all send you lots of love xxxx
    💕❤️🌹😘💞♥️⚽⚽⚽⚽ XxXx

  24. X · 17 Days Ago

    Sam, you don’t know me but I’ve been following your blog for a while now. When I first came across it, I was enchanted by your writing style and attitude which was just inspiring and admirable, and I have nothing but respect for how you have handled the past few years. You have lived the past few years to the fullest, and I only wish you could have more of them to enjoy. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all XX

  25. Rachel P · 15 Days Ago

    Sam, since I worked with you over the years, I have always told others that you are one of the kindest, most genuine people I’ve met. You are pure and loving soul with a brilliant sense of humour.
    I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you peace and love xx

  26. Hayley Lawrence · 13 Days Ago

    There are no words to express how absolutely devastated I am to read this. I will always remember that first football tournament that Isaac attended with school. He was just 7 and clearly struggling with the noise and the people. I watched as you picked him up and reassured him. That was the first time I saw you and I thought then what an incredible kind and caring person you were and how fortunate Isaac was to have you helping him. I wasn’t wrong. Thank you for everything you have done for Isaac (and all the other children) over the years. You are an amazing lady xx

  27. Kristi · 12 Days Ago

    Sam, that was so hard to read but I know how much you have lived the last few years to the absalute full. You are probably the most strongest and loving women I know and so privileged to of known. When we said goodbye to warren I remember you being stood behind me and you could see how utterly broken I was you just wrapped your arms round me and I found so much comfort in that. I cant begin to imagine how hard these years have been for you but the way you have coped and got to where you are now is incredible. You sam are a inspiration to everyone and just incredible. We love you.. love kristi and courtney xx

  28. Dave Allan · 11 Days Ago

    Sam, I don’t know you personally but having worked with Graham for many a year, I’ve been aware of all steps of your journey. You are an absolute star and I have tears in my eyes reading your message. I know there is nothing that I can say or do, so please accept all our love and strength to you and those around you from a spark in Northumberland (Graham will know who this is :)). x

  29. Connie · 11 Days Ago

    It’s taken me two attempts to read this to the end. Both times I had to stop. Today I read it all and my heart aches as I knew it would. Sam you are a truly beautiful lady.
    Sending you lots of love xx